Tuesday, January 18, 2011

All the Nutrition of a Full and Balanced Meal

Hello, Fans and Misguided Youths,

So while revising a brilliant first novel, you end up with these painful and vast spaces of time between drafts--painful for me because I was already picking out paint colors for the big house in the foothills my millions would buy two weeks after starting this whole novel writing endeavor.  Dumb-ass.  I learned right away that novel writing is equal parts creativity, tenacity, desperation, crippling desperation and patience.  Basically a lot of waiting.  Waiting for the fresh eyes you've sent away for to arrive (these are sold on the black market and are especially tasty); waiting for your friends to give their critiques; constantly repeating your favorite mantras: "Where's the metaphor?"  "Put down the adverbs and back away slowly," "You do have the most fetching hat hair, you handsome Zombie King, you." 

Now those of us who haven't made a dime on our writing but still answer "best-selling novelist" whenever someone asks what we do for a living, we know that the best way to pass this time is to work on the next book.  But the undead can't live on new plots alone.  So once the truth is accepted--writing novels is the dumbest get-rich-quick scheme ever--one must commit at least some of this lag time to finding other ways to finance his ABBA memorabilia addiction.  And so, because I haven't the body for go-go dancing or male prostitution, it with great fanfare and no modesty whatsoever that I announce one of Food for Zombies newest features: The Zombie King's Bankably Brilliant Inventions--Gadgets, Gizmos and Other Such Nonsense! (It took every ounce of my super-human zombie strength to contain my need to put eighteen exclamation points on the end of that one--you're welcome.)

The Zombie King's Bankably Brilliant Inventions:
Gadgets, Gizmos and Other Such Nonsense

Today's Invention: Vita-Cigs

A cigarette that contains 100 percent of one's daily vitamins and minerals. "Oh, my baby Jesus!" you cry. "A cigarette that will make me healthier!" It's true. The blessings that spill from my consciousness are nothing short of a national treasure. I am prepared to collect my Nobel Prize--I'm sure it's coming any day now, and I promise not to be the least bit humble as we all know my nature has never been burdened by false modesty.

Until next we feast (upon the entrails of the living),


P.S. Thanks for reading my blog! (You will be spared when the moon hangs full and my kind once again roam the hills and dales.)


  1. Seriously, you should market these. I think this is your true ticket to riches!

  2. I know; can you imagine how rich you'd be if you could pull something like this off? I need to head down to the patent office ASAP!